Posts tagged ‘poly’

August 9th, 2012

Punched, Slapped and Fucked

My cheek gently caressed by her hand, I feel safe and close my eyes. Big mistake as I’m shocked into the real world again by a vicious sting on the other cheek. A second later, his cock is driving into my cunt and I feel delicate hands tugging at my nipples. Just as I’m getting used to the pain, it stops. I let out a whimper. My second big mistake as his cock starts pushing into my arse and she’s pushing my head onto hers. Trying to focus on the fingers in her dripping cunt, I lose track of what is where, my body overcome with sensation, inching towards the precipice of my orgasm. It pulses through me, again and again, guttural screaming making me hoarse. I become unaware of my surroundings, coming to, dishevelled on the bed.

Thinking I’m safe, I try to get up but am pushed back down, his head between my legs, her hands scratching, slapping and punching my already exhausted body. His nails in my skin, her biting at my neck. Overcome by my desire again, I’m aware of movement and suddenly her cock is in me. My moans of pleasure are cut off by his hand over my month and nose and I find myself pushed to the edge again, ecstasy taking over. Surely they must be done with me now, this tiny, used bundle? Apparently not…

December 5th, 2011

Sinzine Article: Three (or more) Can Play at that Game – Polyamory and BDSM

My latest piece for Sinzine is on my personal experiences of BDSM and polyamory.  I hasten to add, I didn’t write the intro.

It’s not really a surprise that I’m writing an article about polyamory and how it fits
into my life, including its context within a BDSM setting as I’ve been interested in
some sort of poly lifestyle since I was 18. Firstly, though, I feel I should define poly in
its many forms before talking about my personal lifestyle.

Poly can refer to many types of relationship setup, although, in simple terms, it
refers to having multiple partners. People who describe themselves as polyamorous
are referring to loving more than one person. There are other terms such as ethical
non-monogamy, which incorporate the grey areas of poly, including multiple play
partners in a kink setting, having friends with benefits, having an open relationship
and all other kinds of multiple partner relationship. The difference between poly
and cheating is that people are in full knowledge of the setup they are within.
Everyone should be open and honest. It’s an ethical setup. Like all relationships,
there are ups and downs, good things and bad, and it’s not for everyone but I’m
going to talk to you about my experiences and thoughts, with some incite from my
friends, partners and acquaintances.

If you’ve read my other pieces, you’ll have probably realised by now that I am an
ethical non-monogamist. I have two romantic relationships that have no hierarchy
and both my husband and my girlfriend mean the world to me. I get to share my
love with them both and not feel the confinement of monogamy. It also means that,
even though I pretty much identify as a lesbian, I don’t have to cheat or leave my
husband to satisfy my desires to be with women. Sure, I don’t have to have more
than him in my life but I also know I won’t ever look back in regret either. It’s not
always been easy; when I was younger, I found polyamory very difficult and thought
I wasn’t cracked up for it, that I was too jealous, too needy and too dependant for
it to work. Looking back, I think it was more about me needing to grow up and
develop emotionally, as well as possibly to do with the person involved but, at the
time, I was sure it wasn’t for me so tried to get my bisexuality out of my system
before I got married as I fully intended to by monogamous and faithful. Clearly not
the best idea. When I met my girlfriend, it was a huge adjustment to my previous
way of thinking but most things came quite naturally and, generally, it’s been quite
easy.

What never occurred to me when I was younger was how this could benefit my kinky
desires too. I supposed I’d never really thought that hard about kink either. Over
recent years, I have identified as a switch, knowing that I like to give and receive. My
husband is generally a top. He’s not a masochist either really. Another thing that I
could just ignore but why not explore my own sadistic top side? My girlfriend is also
a switch and when we got together, we were both very open to seeing where the
dynamic went, both of us thinking we could maybe get the best of both worlds from

each other….how wrong could we be?! As time has past, it has become more and
more obvious that we cannot switch with each other. Again, I have found myself in
the position of bottom and, more recently, submissive. I get different things from
each of them, as my dynamics vary a lot. For example, the mere thought of being
submissive with my husband has me in fits of giggles. It also makes sense that he
himself has a second partner where his dynamic is very different; he’s still a top
but a different kind with her, in ways that I would not want from him and can’t give
him. We don’t just expect one person to be our all and we all benefit from this lack
of pressure. Still, you might be thinking that I’m a switch with no one of my own
to abuse and that is true, although maybe not for much longer! I wasn’t looking
for someone else to fill a gap; I don’t even feel it desperately needs filling but when
someone approached me, I talked to my partners and we agreed; why not? So I
may have found myself a play partner. It’s still at its fledgling stages and we’ve not
played together yet but, if all goes well, I will have a bottom of my own to abuse.

It’s not all about having different people for different things in my life either. Or
about keeping it all separate either. I am very lucky to have two tops who get on
well and compliment each other because then I have the times that we will all play
together and they co-top with each other. My most recent experience of this was
at a play event whilst on holiday in San Francisco (an amazing city for kink). We
often attend events together and don’t always play but, seeing as we were on
holiday we thought it best to make use of a dedicated venue that we just don’t have
an equivalent here in the UK. I can’t speak for them but it was hot as hell playing
with both of them; my exhibitionist side was satisfied, the modest part of me was
embarrassed (in a kinky way) and I got to feel like a princess with attention focused
on me from more than one person, albeit a very abused, battered and bruised one.
Without poly in my life, I just wouldn’t have mind blowing experiences like this, with
the added fact I love both of them just making it more awesome! They also seem
to really enjoy plotting together and have said it can be help having an extra pair of
hands to deal with me!

It doesn’t always work out though; there can by times that you want to play with
everyone but you can’t. I have both my girlfriend and my prospective play partner
going to the same play party and I’d love to play with both of them but don’t want
to spread myself too thinly, plus I just don’t think I can switch from top to bottom
headspace that quickly. There are people who will play as middles, being ordered to
do bad things to another and I could see this working but not in this situation. It can
also be tough if you have different dynamics with your partners. It’s not happened
with me yet but if, as a submissive, you are under orders, that can cause problems
for the other top in your life, depending what those orders are. Or it can be even
more fun. It’s all about communication!

Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking that I’m just a bit of a greedy cow, or a
jammy bastard or having my cake and eating it and I suppose you’d be right but at
least I’m doing this in a respectful, open and honest manner. I spend time worrying
that I could be hurting people, I have my guilty moments where I wonder if I’m
spreading myself too thinly and not giving enough to those I care about but I’d like

to think that anyone I’m involved with would be honest enough to let me know.
Communication is key to this working and having to be open and honest, not only
with yourself but by those around you too. It’s not always easy but no relationship
is.

This is all just my personal experience; talk to others on the scene and they may
have very different ones. I can very lucky and this set up works for me. I don’t
expect it would work for everyone; some people want to experience everything with
one person. Others want to experience things that one partner cannot give them,
if it’s a limit for them or just something they don’t want to do. For instance, I’ve
heard people tell me they have a rope top and a daddy; they get what they want
from different people. Or you may be in a vanilla relationship but know that kink is
important to you. As long as everyone is open and honest and knows where they
stand, I think it is ok. We’re all consenting adults at the end of the day. If you’re
thinking of opening up your relationship for the first time though, whether just for
play or more emotionally than that, I’d really recommend reading some stuff out
there. There’s some very good books, podcasts, blogs and other resources out there
if you do a quick internet search or I’m more than happy to give you my personal
recommendations.

November 27th, 2011

Public Disgrace

I realise that I am a bad blogger; I’ve been home from San Francisco for nearly two months (*sob*) but I haven’t actually said much about it. I could give you a whole bunch of excuses but, frankly, I’ve just not felt up to it. We came back and real life got in the way again.

San Francisco is a city where BDSM and kink are embraced. I cannot imagine anywhere in this country accepting kink to the extent that leather pride flags were flying across the city and a shop assistant in Sephora (a makeup store) asked us if we were in town for Folsom. As expected, the play parties and their spaces were spectacular, with a lot less restriction on how far you could go with people and so many people there, it was fabulous.

Public play is something I have had few experiences of (only one major one before going away). It gives my closet exhibitionist a chance to come out to play (I’m rather introverted normally). I’m also very aurally stimulated so the sound of other people’s play turns me on a lot too. I’ve been mulling over three different play parties recently (last night being one of them). They were all quite different for me, not just because of venue or who I was with but also the general feel of the event and my own mood.

When we were away, I went to two parties at the same venue, a permanent play space, SF Citadel. The first event was a pansexual one that all three of attended. I always love being topped by both of them and I was in a very submissive mood. I had some impressive bruising from that night and, despite someone literally rattling our cage, the night was awesome and so hot. I felt like a totally slutty disgrace, being fucked by both my partners, in full view of strangers, begging to come. Knowing that there was a DM very much perving filled me with both horror and pride; I love the level of humiliation I make myself feel for acting in such a slutty way in front of people.

The second party was at the same venue but was a queer dyke event, which adds to the hotness. Of course, it was just me and S and I was in a very different mood; giggling at nearly every impact and get more and more rampantly horny by the second, and being very aware of it. Woman tend to be more subtle when watching but it was still very hot and we had an awesome time.

More recently, there was last night’s SM Dykes play party so, again a queer dyke space but attended by people I know a lot more. Another permanent play space but smaller and with less perving space. I was again in a submissive mood and getting a good head rush from the rope bondage. It’s weird hearing your friends demanding to be called mistress whilst you’re being beaten and weirder still knowing that someone you hope to top one day is watching you being battered and abused, whimpering in a very un-dommely manner. Ignoring all that, the play was hot, and very much wanted, and coming back down to earth laughing and fellow perverts conversations is fun.

I love playing, wherever it is but there is a definite plus to finding yourself disgraced in public, humiliated and loving it all at the same time. Here’s to more chances to play.

June 22nd, 2011

Out of the closet

I’ve only just realised that I’ve managed to skip over a lot of what’s been going on right now in my life. Things have been very hectic, with lots of social engagements and fun to be had, stretching me to my limit as an introvert and, at times, leading my to anxiety. I’ve also found myself able to cope with the more stressful situations better than I could ever have imagined so it all balances out in the end.

I suppose what I should have written about the most was the story of my coming out, coming clean and getting it all out there in the world (well, at least to my immediate family). You may remember the letter I posted several months ago. At the time, I had no idea how I was going to tell my parents about S but I came to the comclusion that there would never be a right way, never a right time. The letter seemed like the least painful way; I got a chance to tell my side of things carefully and they got a chance to think it through before talking to me.

I set a date in my mind. The letter would be posted on the way back from my cousin’s wedding, knowing that I had Conference just after to busy myself with and plenty of my friends would be there if I needed that. What I wrote was almost exactly what I posted here. I gave my brother some warning (he really didn’t seem to be bothered), just in case and then sat back and waited, anxiety, nerves and worry taking its toll but I’d had that problem for weeks, playing the worst case senarios over and over in my mind like a bad film. The build up to sending the letter and the waiting really were the worst. I flew between relief that I was finally being honest and fear that I would lose my parents. I can’t even really begin to explain just what kept going through my head, but it was horrid.

It turned out to be all for nothing. My parents, mainly, have been great. We’ve not talked about it directly much (B had that conversation) but they’ve met S and I can talk about her freely. There’s still times when I feel weird explaining that I won’t be in as I’m staying over S or B’s busy with O but, it’s not so bad. It’s much easier than lying by ommision and I think my parents, whilst not approving, are ok because I am happy and no one is being hurt. To be honest, I think the think that has upset them the most is that they’ve realised how long I’ve been hiding my sexuality from them. It’s not even something I considered would be an issue either. I worried about their moral objections at having multiple partners, without even thinking that they might be bothered that one of them is female. But they are being great and reminding me (frequently) that I am loved still.

It’s still not sunk in. And I’m still finding people who do not know; those that have missed the fact or those I’m still too scared to tell. But I remind myself, those people important and close to me know the truth; they’re seeing the real me and that’s the most important thing in the world to me.

April 6th, 2011

A Possible Letter…

…or a letter of possibility.

 
I wrote a letter to my parents in my notebook last month, just after the SMDykes workshop on BDSM and poly.  I seem to find myself thinking most about coming out to my parents just before the monthly meeting.  I don’t know exactly why.  Maybe it’s because of the openly poly people there or because going reminds myself that my parents have no idea about that part of me.
 
I want to come out to them.  I find it hard bending the truth plus I don’t want it to come across to anyone that I’m ashamed of S being my girlfriend (which is so far from the truth, it’s almost funny).  I’m just so scared of their reaction, of the things they might do and say because it hurts them.  If I just wanted the easy life, I’d continue not telling them but at what cost?  The lies would get bigger, the guilt will get to me and it’d be messy.  I’ve decided there’s never going to be a perfect time; there’s always going to be something going on that will stop me, a birthday here, father’s day there etc and I could put it off forever but that just won’t do.  It has to be done; they need to be told.  By the end of June, I’m going to tell them.  Sometime after my cousin’s wedding (that’s too close and I do have to spend too much time around them to want to tell them beforehand).  But how?  How can I ever find the right words?  What do I tell them?  How do I do it?  Do I send them a letter and go through the wait, wondering whether they’re read it?  Do I tell them in person and risk tumbling over my words and getting upset?  Do I slip it into casual conversation?  Do I hand them a note and wait to see their faces drop?  No way is ever going to be perfect but I need to pick one.  Anyway…the following is the letter I wrote…I just don’t know if this is the ‘best’ option.
 
Dear Mum and Dad,
 
This isn’t an easy letter for me to write but I need to be honest with you and to stop hiding something from you that is very important to me.
 
I am polyamorous.  I don’t know if this is a term that you’ve come across but, for me, it means being open to having more than one emotional relationship whilst being honest with everyone involved.  B knows about about this and is happy for me because I can be truly myself.  My feelings for him haven’t changed; he is still my husband, I love him and he means the world to me but there is also someone else in my life, whom I love.  S and I have been together for a little while now.  She knows all about B and is, in fact, quite good friends with him now.
 
It has been hard for me to tell you all of this as I don’t want you to be disappointed in me; I am still the same person, I just get to be honest and share with you what’s going on in my life.  It’s important that I tell you as I don’t want to lie to you and I’ve hated not being fully open with you.  I know it may be hard for you to understand and if you need me to talk to you about it more, please ask me.  It doesn’t mean that B means any less to me or that our relationship has problems.
 
I hope that you can accept this of me.  I’ve told you because you are an important part of my life and it was getting too hard knowing that I was keeping things from you. 
 
A x
March 3rd, 2011

Polyamorous Rollercoaster

All relationships have their ups and downs, a natural progession.  Sometimes they will be high as a kite, filling you with glee.  Other times there will be dips where your paths barely cross and your alone whilst together.  And there’s everything in between too.  Or so I’ve found.  Monogomous people seem to forget this when they see a polyamorous relationship going wrong, or even not being perfect.  Sure, polyamory has its complexities but the general problems will quite probably still be there even if other partners aren’t involved.

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February 22nd, 2011

Words

There are times when I need to just write about things in my life, not just the kinky fun.  Don’t get my wrong, those aspects certainly are fun and I love trying to write about them but there are times when I get a little neurotic or feel like I’m acting like a psycho lesbian and I have to get it out there, banish the words from my body, so to speak.  Recently, I have begun writing an actual journal again, although in my Moleskine that is also my take everywhere notebook.  There’s something therapeutic about seeing the pages fill up with lines of my writing, even if it is rambling, illegible waffle.  A private space for my thoughts, without burdening the people around me.  Sometimes the words will flow so easily that, when I glance down properly, I’m surprised to see pages full of my train of thought.  Other times, I almost have to force every single word out onto the page but it generally feels a lot better afterwards.

 
There are other places I like to write too.  I have a vanilla blog, which is sadly a little neglected right now.  It’s usually filled with talk of my domestic achievements, like baking or knitting and, since I’ve not been knitting much and my baking seems to have been eaten up before I can even find the camera, it’s remained rather devoid of words recently.  I’m hoping that I might be able to kick start that again if I can just kick start that Stepford housewife part of me again!  Maybe my idea of re-forming the crafty munch will have some effect on my knitting productivity at least. 
 
I tweet a reasonable amount too.  I, again, have two accounts.  One you can clearly see if linked on this blog and I often use it to flirt with S or interact with other kinky/poly people.  My other twitter is used a lot less and is full of my vanilla, quite often knitting friends (there does seem to be a pattern to this).  I have been known to use it as a way to help me get through my anxiety attacks, that 140 character limit being quite helpful for the tiny bursts of writing that I feel I can do when even taking a couple of steps down the road is making me feel like I’m going to panic and freak out.  It’s an incredibly hard feeling to describe when I feel I cannot leave a place.  When the seemingly easy task of opening the front door takes the amount of courage that I’d expect to need to jump out of a plane when I’m well (there are days when I think a parachute jump would be easier than the journey to work), I need some way of coping.  I’ve found that twitter helps me.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s the idea that I know someone has shared my angst just by reading my comment or just the idea of admitting to the world that I’m finding it hard somehow makes it a little more bearable.  On the other side of twitter, I do enjoy reading other people’s tweets and can keep in touch with my distant friends’ lives.
 
That’s my reason for enjoying Facebook too.  Again, two accounts.  One is my ‘real’ me account, full of people from school and linked to my husband.  Due to the lack of the ability of being able to add multiple people to the ‘in a relationship’ section, plus the fact that I have my mother as a ‘friend’ on Facebook, I also have a profile for my pin-up alter ego.  Here I can be in a relationship with S and not have to hide.  I have a lot of duplicate friends on here.  Those that already know the full story and those that I’m more than happy to tell when they ask (I find going out my way to explain poly as a bit odd, although I have done it).  It’s nice to have somewhere I can shout about S from the highest hills.
 
And this is where the neurotic, psycho lesbian behaviour of the day comes in; I’m fed up of having this multiple set up.  I wish I could be one person, not split between multiple personae.  Although Alyss, Ava and the rest are all the same person at the end of the day, sometimes I wish I could be open and honest with everyone around me, without the fear that I’m going to upset and offend people.  Unfortunately the world is not an accepting place and, although I shouldn’t care what others thing of me, I do, especially when it’s my parents involved.  I love two people and I can’t see my life without either of them (there, I’ve said it!) and I want to tell the world.  I don’t want to keep on hiding things from people.  I’ve been with S for 5 months and B just shy of 10.  I feel very strongly for both of them.  I shouldn’t have to pretend otherwise.  I know that what’s important is how I feel and it doesn’t really matter than I can’t live entirely openly but there is a little part of me that wishes I didn’t have to be grown up and sensible: I want to be in the playground holding both S and B’s hands.
February 20th, 2011

Valentine’s Batterings

Being poly has both advantages and disadvantages. It can become pretty complicated with holidays and birthdays, trying to work out who spends what time with who. Christmas was so full of family related stuff that we didn’t even need to talk about it much but the first kiss on New Year’s Eve was another matter. There’s times when I do end up feeling a little stuck in the middle, with my feelings horribly torn between two people. Luckily, there’s also great benefits to having two partners, especially when both of them are rather sadistic!

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January 20th, 2011

Educational Opportunities

I was checking out my Twitter feed the other day and a retweet by a friend caught my eye. It was a call for bloggers to become students at Kink Academy for the semester and write about their experiences. So here I am, applying for the placement, thinking that this couldn’t have come at a more perfect time for me.

Since I came back onto the scene and started to explore who I am, I’ve done a lot of reading and I still have a lot more to do. I love to learn, to perfect and to share my experiences with others. I’m still exploring my kinks and examining my identity as a switch. I’ve been on the look out for some good videos to show me the ropes (possibly quite literally) and Kink Academy appeals to be, just from watching through the odd few videos. You can learn such a lot from the experienced and sometimes books and forum posts can only tell you so much.

I use this blog as a way to get my thoughts out; to come back later and think about where I was as a person when I wrote that post. A stream of conciousness and a reminder of fun times. Writing about kink is a huge turn on for me too!

Currently, I am in a poly relationship, with my husband B and my girlfriend S. I’ve only ever really been a bottom but I am learning about how to top right now so that I can help give S the release she wants and to have some fun with it. It’s a scary but very exciting time. I think the videos on Kink Academy would be a huge help to me, not only as a top but as someone who probably hasn’t even begun to realise the full extent of her kinks. I would be sharing my experience not only by incorporating what I learnt into various aspects of my relationships but by writing it down to come back to later and think about how it effects my life.

January 5th, 2011

Coming Clean

I’ve never come out to my parents about my sexuality. This is not because I didn’t want to particularly but because of what they see my life as. I’ve been in a relationship with B for 10 years and my parents believe this is entirely monogamous. If I told them I fancy women too, are they likely to even entertain the idea as, from what they see, I have no real basis for my sexuality beyond looking at people and thinking they’re hot. I’ve found it easier over the years to just not bring it up. I don’t really hide the fact I am pretty much a lesbian but I’ve never come out and said “I’m gay”.

Being with S has made me think more about coming out to them. The discussions about her coming out to her own parents have made me think about my situation. I also love her and want to tell everyone I can about it! It’s not so simple though. When I come out to my parents, I’ll be doing it twice over. They will have to deal with the fact I like women (a lot) and the fact I’m involved with two people. Just how do you explain to someone you’re poly? How are they going to understand that I’m not having an illicit affair? Are they ever going to believe that B is fine with this? Will they cast me out for being immoral?

If my relationship was different with my parents, maybe I wouldn’t mind so much but we are very close. That’s one of the reasons it’s so hard keeping this from them as it is but can they ever be happy for me and not judge my life? I don’t even know where to begin explaining what’s going on in my life. I don’t even know if they’ve even heard of polyamory. I don’t want to hurt them. I know that how they feel about it won’t be my fault but I do know I can protect them from the pain, although at my own discomfort.

The thing is, I want them to know so that I can include S in my life more. I want her to meet the parents (I know they will like her), I want to be able to talk about her without holding back and I don’t want to have to leave this until it’s very necessary such as if we decide that we’re cohabiting. At the same time, our relationship is still new and I don’t need to be telling them just yet.

I need to strike a happy balance right now, both living in the moment and giving some consideration to the future. I may not need to tell my parents this right now but one day I will. Maybe I will have a sudden wonderful idea of how to do it, but for now, I’m going to make the most of my life and avoid actual lying, which is the same as I have been doing for years anyway.