Posts tagged ‘play’

December 19th, 2014

The Little Things in Life

I’m finding myself in the position that I’m writing about something new I have found out about myself again.  I suppose this is what goes on in life, constant changing, evolving, learning about out ourselves.  Sometimes I think it’s really strange for my kinks to be like that but I think some of it is the people I am involved with.  Each one brings out something new, each one adds something different to my life.  I get to explore in a safe space and sometimes find something I don’t expect.  That’s where this post comes in.

I never thought I was someone with a little.  I occasionally did role play (maybe that needs to happen again!?) but it was never a real age thing.  I might play the younger girl but I was always really me.  I didn’t think there was anyone else.  I was wrong.  I have an inner child that I actually seem to be able to let out a little.  Not much, and she doesn’t take over completely.  I don’t know whether she ever will but I’m definitely letting her have her moments more.  She seems to be about 10, I think, although she’s sometimes more like a very naive and young 15.  She loves being cute and pretty, likes to play with Lego, to colour in pretty things and watch Adventure Time.  She’s silly, a little bratty but never too much.  Deep down, she’s like me, a good girl who doesn’t want to get into trouble, who would rather be praised than told off.  She generally just wants to drink hot chocolate and be looked after, to feel safe.  That’s all I know right now.  I’m scared to let her out too much.  She likes E but I don’t know how she sees him.  I really don’t know how she fits into E’s life!

Ok, this might be starting to sound a little weird to people, the fact I talk about my little as a different person.  Well, she kind of is and isn’t.  It’s obvious that she’s me but, at the same time, it’s not my adult head in there.  Or it wouldn’t be at all if I let go, gave her a little more freedom.  That’s something very new for me.  To realise that I do have this little, that she’s not just me acting a role.  This is something I actually feel is part of me.  She scares me sometimes.  I don’t know whether to ever let her out fully.  That is also a thing I need to work out with E.  I need to know she (and I) would be safe, which I do but I also don’t want him to be a non-consenting babysitter!  It’s probably hard enough as it is, especially when she pops up.

I suppose this is more me wondering what to do with a kink/dynamic/thing I didn’t expect, that I didn’t negotiate with my partner.  Obviously, communication is key, just like when I started to feel my submissive side coming out with S.  It’s just so hard when you barely get it yourself and you don’t know where things will take you.  All the fun of evolving, of changing, of growing; you never know exactly where you will end up, you just hope you have someone to share your journey with.

September 26th, 2013

Fear Him

Tied down
Gagged
Naked
Sat up but baring all
Restrained
Rope across my neck, no pressure until I strain
My fear
Brutal canes
Haphazard hits
My obvious arousal
Random marks
His cold eyes
My fear
And still my arousal
The threat of the gun
The warning shots
My fear
His cruel laughter
My heart racing
His mind games
His blows with words, with taunts
Searching his face, searching his eyes, searching for something
Finding only my fear
Eventually my tears
His smile at that
Unbound, still gagged
Begging to be used
Begging for him
My broken body
My adrenaline filled shakes
My smiles
His arms, his safety, his comfort

August 6th, 2013

Insatiable

I could spend every minute playing
Kink a major part of my life
Topping one moment
Submissive the next
Sadistic yearnings explored
Desires to be owned and to own
Dominant at times
Rope slipping across my skin
Needles piercing
Hand spanking
Being fucked
Fucking
Craving sensation
Craving closeness
Craving release, again and again.

July 15th, 2013

Rope Play

I sit, hugging my knees to myself, waiting, anxious, eager.  You position yourself behind me, close, comforting.  Your hands trace down my arms, lightly, gently, sending shivers up my spine.  Fingertips stroke my neck, my collarbone, my cheek.  I melt, my body leaning back into you, my eyes close.  A rustle to the side of  you, I feel the rougher sensation of rope skimming across my skin.  A waft of jute fills my lungs and I melt all over again.  That smell gets me every time. 

My attention is back with you when you pull the hank out quickly and throw it across the floor, the whipping sound filling my ears.  You tease me with the rope, letting it slide across my skin, relaxing me, waiting for me to become entirely yours. 

The sudden arm around my throat, your other hand twisting my arm around my back.  Rope hooked over my thumb and used briskly to bind me, wraps to my arm, my chest, rough, quick.  Then a slowing down, painstaking positioning of the rope between my breasts.  A sharp tug, taking the breath from me.  Energy flowing in those ropes, an extension of you.  Your care, your tenderness, your twists, your sadism, all coming through the twisted fibres.  You control me, pushing and pulling, manipulating ropes around my limbs, gently running them between my legs, briefly pulling them at my neck. 

Securely held where you want me, unable to escape, not that I would even try.  A pause and I calm myself, my breathing regular.  Waiting, calm, collected, embracing the rope, feeling safe in its constraints.

The first slap is unexpected, a sting on my thigh.  I yelp, unprepared and you react with continued abuse from your hands; a pinch here , a punch there, a dig into a pressure point, a knuckle in between my ribs.  I squeal, gasp, wriggle, my rope reverie broken, my body reacting to the delightful sensation, heightened by my previous calm.  You push me, slaps to my body, the stinging feeling never quite resolving before the next blow.  Palms turning to fists, sting turning to thud, and soon, I am melting away again.  My whole body resonating, each punch pushing me to that floaty place.

Time disappears.  The ropes are untied, each one with the care that was used to place it initially.  Slow, meditative, blissful.  You pass rope under my nose before circling me with your arms, cocooning me, protecting me, I am aware of only us.  A happy bliss.

March 12th, 2013

Play, Desire and Intimacy

Things are very different in my life now than they were even just a few months ago. I have changed and adapted so much since I started going out on the ‘scene’ as I met amazing people who have nurtured my development and helped me to learn who I am that little bit more than I could before. I have grown.

One particular aspect of this would be how I approach play, sex and relationships. When I was younger, and probably more naive, I used to see sex as this sacred thing, only to be shared with those that I was devoted to, madly in love with, committed to. I also saw play as a very sexual thing and thought of it as an attachment of sex rather than a separate activity.  I didn’t necessarily feel that play was sexual, just often led there. The idea of doing it with someone apart from B was odd. Apart from rope bondage. That always seemed to have a separate entity in my brain, detachable from sex, able to do it with people I wasn’t in an intimate relationship with. Probably because it made me float into subspace. In hindsight, it was probably all a trust thing, as, weirdly, I felt other kinds of play made me more vulnerable. I was very all or nothing, with relationships too. I was young and fell fast and hard for people.

Move on several years later and I have forgotten who I am. I still had these ideas about intimacy and attraction but had few ideas about my own sexuality and arousal. The first time I played with new things with S, I was actually surprised at just how aroused I was, from nothing traditionally sexual in my mind. Pain wasn’t meant to turn me on like this. I loosened up. I tried to get my head around more casual relationships with sexual activities included, to accept my inner masochist, to distance being a demo bunny from full on intimate relationships. I envied those who had play partners who weren’t full on romantic lovers. I envied their ease with each other and their closeness.

It took a few small demonstrations and an operation to get my head around things. My kink drive and sex drive, although not mutually exclusive, have different levels. I craved kink but didn’t feel sexy or sexual, in an obvious way. A sought play that I thought would be less sexually arousing. Some needle play, some service play as a top. And maybe I got into it with the wrong idea but I could enjoy play without sex. This was with people I didn’t have that kind of relationship with.  In time, the relationships that started at that point in my life have changed to include more sexual intimacy but that developed rather than was expected.  They are both gorgeous individuals that I am very lucky to have that kind of relationship with.  I realised that sex is fun and doesn’t just have to be in long term, romantic, ‘normal’ relationships!  I also actually realised that topping someone and causing pain can get me as hot as having a knife to my throat but that doesn’t mean I have to have sex that instant!

Which gets me on to playing/demoing with people I am not having sex with, and quite possibly don’t even want to. I can’t turn off my body’s response to things that turn me on, if there is energy in the play/demo but I also know how to behave like a civilised human being and not bone someone just because I’m horny, regardless of what they have done! If there’s a connection in that instant and it makes me (or them) feel good, what’s the problem? Life’s too short sometimes.

I seem to have been rambling again! Brain vomit!  Basically, what I’m trying to say is, sex is fun, play is fun.  They can be independent of each other or very much intertwined.  I don’t have to have a sexual connection with someone to play, but I do need trust and to actually like them!

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February 11th, 2013

Punishment

When punishment involves NOT having a gorgeous new knife used on you, I think you know you’re kinky!

Obviously, my punishment involved more than that, having disappointed R. The tears were pouring down my face before the first impact. I hate being a disappointment, not being a good girl. By the end of the scene, those tears were cathartic, release and relief, and of joy.

Part of my punishment was to choose implements. I mainly chose ones I thought would push me a little, especially at the stingy pain end of things. I wanted to see if I could take a caning again, wanted to feel abused and punished properly. R added the dragon tail, knowing it would scare me. I trust her.

She helped me get over this weird struggle I’ve had with pain processing, and emotional block. It felt fabulous. Plus, I’ve found a new toy I like! She also agreed with me that I deserve my caning kinky merit badge. I told myself I wanted to take a good caning again and feel comfortable about them again and I really do.

December 17th, 2012

Topping Tales

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you may have read about my previous wibbles in identity and difficulty with topping. I’ve questioned whether I’m actually sadistic, whether I am good enough to top someone, does it make me less of a submissive or bottom, does it mean that I’m a bad person? It’s been a long, neurotic pathway and very much interlinked with my general anxiety and self confidence issues. Maybe I just hadn’t met the right person. Who knows and does it all really matter?

What I’m finding now is that I’m almost more of a top than bottom (although there are definitely ways to bring me to my knees rather swiftly!), very much a switch and I’m able to accept it as part of who I am much more readily.

Having such a fabulous bottom to play with is definitely a huge part of this. From the first time we played, I felt a connection and my self consciousness ebbed away so quickly. It felt so natural. Her calling me Miss and kneeling eagerly at my feet fills me with awesome feelings and inflicting pain, threats and sensations and seeing,  hearing and feeling the reactions gets me so hot!

Instead of feeling threatened or competitive with her other top, I feel empowered. We work well together and boost each others confidence.

And the best thing about all of this? I’ve also got amazing friends out of what started as a play thing. Very much important people in my life.

December 16th, 2012

Fucktoy Surprise

It is so much fun to pull off a surprise trip to the dungeon to abuse the hell out of your girl. She didn’t have a clue until the last minute. 

To use her like a fucktoy, abusing, teasing, taunting and threatening Twitter humiliation if she wasn’t a good girl.

To have a partner in crime to play off and share the responsibility. To bounce ideas off, to mix up the sensations.

The memories of her on her knees, begging for more abuse,  to fill her, to let her come.

Our slut for the day, our fucktoy, our good girl.

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November 29th, 2012

Needle Philiosophy

The other day, my play partner and I were engaging in another needle session. Not knowing how I was feeling and because it’s fun anyway, we warmed up with some ropey, scratchy meaness. I was close to floating off in a cathartic crying bubble when she pulled me back from the edge to prep for needles.

It’s only the second needle session we’ve done and I’m still getting used to the feelings and sensations that I get but, one thing I’ve noticed is that, although I feel really high, I can hold a conversation as I’m being stabbed (not so much as needles are being tweeked and played with, but what the heck). I’m not sure why but it does mean I can talked needles and know what’s going on (I’m also able to process my pain really well but that’s another post in itself).

The other day, we were talking about the different dynamic that exists in needle play. We were talking about how our usual top/bottom roles feel reversed. Even though she’s the one sticking the needles in, I have control with when the needles go in because of how we play. At the same time though, I have to trust her with putting needles in sensible places and not doing any damage. Instead of a power exchange, there’s more sharing of the power and energy. I don’t know if this is why I feel so different and can talk more but it definitely makes it interesting.

Oh, and here’s a little photo for you 🙂

image

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October 2nd, 2012

Sadist in Training

I’m itching to play.
Desperate to have her body available to me.
Lining up my implements, considering what to use on her.
Wanting to practice my flogging technique on her bare skin.
Imagining the lines to be caused by my new canes.
Smirking at the idea of bringing her to her knees.
The sound of her gasp as I grab her hair.
My tender caress before the caring punch.
The grins on our faces when the scene is over
The glow that remains for days


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