Posts tagged ‘dynamic’

December 19th, 2014

The Little Things in Life

I’m finding myself in the position that I’m writing about something new I have found out about myself again.  I suppose this is what goes on in life, constant changing, evolving, learning about out ourselves.  Sometimes I think it’s really strange for my kinks to be like that but I think some of it is the people I am involved with.  Each one brings out something new, each one adds something different to my life.  I get to explore in a safe space and sometimes find something I don’t expect.  That’s where this post comes in.

I never thought I was someone with a little.  I occasionally did role play (maybe that needs to happen again!?) but it was never a real age thing.  I might play the younger girl but I was always really me.  I didn’t think there was anyone else.  I was wrong.  I have an inner child that I actually seem to be able to let out a little.  Not much, and she doesn’t take over completely.  I don’t know whether she ever will but I’m definitely letting her have her moments more.  She seems to be about 10, I think, although she’s sometimes more like a very naive and young 15.  She loves being cute and pretty, likes to play with Lego, to colour in pretty things and watch Adventure Time.  She’s silly, a little bratty but never too much.  Deep down, she’s like me, a good girl who doesn’t want to get into trouble, who would rather be praised than told off.  She generally just wants to drink hot chocolate and be looked after, to feel safe.  That’s all I know right now.  I’m scared to let her out too much.  She likes E but I don’t know how she sees him.  I really don’t know how she fits into E’s life!

Ok, this might be starting to sound a little weird to people, the fact I talk about my little as a different person.  Well, she kind of is and isn’t.  It’s obvious that she’s me but, at the same time, it’s not my adult head in there.  Or it wouldn’t be at all if I let go, gave her a little more freedom.  That’s something very new for me.  To realise that I do have this little, that she’s not just me acting a role.  This is something I actually feel is part of me.  She scares me sometimes.  I don’t know whether to ever let her out fully.  That is also a thing I need to work out with E.  I need to know she (and I) would be safe, which I do but I also don’t want him to be a non-consenting babysitter!  It’s probably hard enough as it is, especially when she pops up.

I suppose this is more me wondering what to do with a kink/dynamic/thing I didn’t expect, that I didn’t negotiate with my partner.  Obviously, communication is key, just like when I started to feel my submissive side coming out with S.  It’s just so hard when you barely get it yourself and you don’t know where things will take you.  All the fun of evolving, of changing, of growing; you never know exactly where you will end up, you just hope you have someone to share your journey with.

March 8th, 2014

Secretary

I decided to watch the film Secretary again last night.  It’s been a while since I last watched it all of the way through and meant that I was watching through a different pair of eyes again.  This film has a lot of importance to me; not only is it a very accessible film to do with BDSM, D/s dynamics and features the ever gorgeous Maggie Gyllenhaal but it was also in watching this that I first became aware of my identity as a submissive.

When I first watched Secretary, probably about 10 years ago, I loved it.  It had a girl I could lust over and identify with, at least a little, and it was affirming: kink existed outside of my little bubble.  I did already know this; I’d attended Erotica exhibition and went to Kinkfest 2 but to have something so mainstream, so watchable, so talked about, out there was a big deal to the younger me.  It still is one of my reasons for loving this film.  As I’ve talked about before, I didn’t really see myself as submissive when I was younger so I could only really observe the story from an abstract point of view, although I could at least empathise with Lee’s mental health condition and self-harm.  I know how much of a struggle that is and finding someone to help ease that pain is a wonderful thing. 

The last time I can properly remember watching Secretary properly was with S.  It was when we were away for a post-Conference rest at a hotel with the biggest bed I have ever slept in!  I remember it clearly as I found myself struggling with how it stirred my emotions and thoughts, how it made me realise certain things about myself.  In watching the film at that moment, I managed to understand the feelings I’d had for S, in wanting to be the best I could for her, in wanting to give myself to her completely, in wanting to do anything she desired.  In that moment, I finally saw myself as a submissive.  Not submissive all the time and for anyone but for S.  I was her submissive.  I got upset.  I didn’t fully understand how I could feel like this, the girl who insisted she wasn’t a sub.  S hadn’t signed up for this.  She didn’t see herself as a dominant.  It was probably one of the scariest but amazing moments, realising so much about myself as a person from one film.

Now, getting on for three years later, I watch the film from a very different place, both emotionally and physically.  I was on my own, treating myself to a well deserved night in being kind to myself.  My relationships have vastly changed in this time, although I still identify as a submissive, but to E now.  Another unexpected relationship, another unexpected dynamic.  Watching the film, I see all of the subtle hints to high protocol; the hand gestures, the unquestioning nature of Lee, the emphasis on certain words and phrases.  I see all of this and smile, knowing what it is like to be like that.  I even understand more fully the use of kink and D/s in dealing with mental health issues, myself knowing that it helps ground me, helps me get through rough patches, by being cared for, looked after and, above all, having control “taken” away from me.  In fact, as many people realise, submission is never about having control taken from you but the submissive giving that control up, offering that to their dominants.  At the same time, I can see how I have grown, how things have changed.  I hope it’s for the better and I can have more healthy D/s relationships now.  I look at the film and, obviously, in the beginning, the relationship isn’t healthy.  No negotiation, no consent, no communication.  I’ve always tried to do better than that.  It’s not just that though.  I don’t know whether it’s just because I switch with E or whether it’s my take on D/s or just a slightly different dynamic but I don’t have exactly the same need to be my absolute best all of the time.  I don’t feel I need to prove myself as much.  Of course, when I am in sub mode, I want to do my best for E, show him just how good I can be but it doesn’t eek out into my everyday life as much.  In the moment, I am still his, still giving myself completely, still willing to do almost anything but I definitely don’t end up feeling that all of the time and I know that is better for me now.  Much as there is a romantic notion of 24/7 D/s that I love, I know that it’s not for me.  I am too much of a switch, way too stubborn and far too independent.  I could never give up control all of the time and I would never want to.

January 30th, 2013

The Seesaw of D/s

Many years ago, I used to be a very different person. People would meet me and assume that I was domineering, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. At the same time, I insisted that I wasn’t submissive either. This was a time when I didn’t really know much about BDSM and the different labels for things; all I knew was that I liked being on the receiving end of things and liked to fight back!

Fast forward to about 18 months ago.  I knew I liked bottoming; I’m very much a masochist.  I also kept having sadistic thoughts about some people but wasn’t that bothered about acting on them.  I’d occasionally switch with the Bear.  There was also this feeling of wanting to serve, to look after, to give myself to S.  It scared me.  I’d spent so long saying I wasn’t a submissive that I was unnerved when it crept up on me.  So I accepted it, with a little bit of fighting and just decided it was a person specific thing.  I was still more into the SM thing.  I could get my head round that.

12 months later and I found myself wanting to use the sadist in me.  Situations meant that topping was easier, almost more mentally.  I wouldn’t have to process pain, I could focus all my attention on someone else.  I found myself playing with T and something clicked into place.  Suddenly I really got what topping was about and I felt fabulous.  I still wanted to bottom though, to take a beating, as well as doling it out.  I wanted to be S’s good girl.

Another shift, another change and I find myself feeling like I will never be submissive again.  I lost S, the only person I thought could make me feel like that.  I was in a much more toppy headspace anyway.  I was a very satisfied switch, happy to remember the D/s dynamic I once had but not to crave or seek it out.

Of course, these things have a habit of sneaking up on you.  The more time I spend with T, the more I play with her, the more I want to protect her, to look after my kitty, my good girl, to give her what she needs.  All it takes is that look in her eyes, kneeling, looking up to me, addressing me as Miss (the idea of being called mistress still cracks me up!).  I find myself feeling more dominant than I ever have done, something that surprises me, however much people insist that’s how I come across to a lot of people, being tall, dark haired, corseted and looking like I’m going to kill the next person who speaks out of line.  That’s not dominant me though.  She is not angry or cold; she doesn’t want to act like she’s better than the people around her.

So why is the idea of service and within scene submission coming back?  Surely you can’t be both a dominant and submissive?  Oh, yeah, the lines aren’t that defined.  The labels we use aren’t always perfect and I think my understanding of them may have been wrong.  It doesn’t have to be 24/7, you are still equal individuals and you can have a set aside time when you play with the exchange of power.  I still want to be someone’s good girl.  I still want to make someone proud of me or take what they feel I deserve.  Being submissive doesn’t make me passive: being dominant doesn’t mean I have to be a stone femme.

I don’t really know where this ramble is taking me.  I think, at the end of the day, my labels are blurring.  I am who I am and certain, seemingly contradictory  relationships and traits are developing and I just have to embrace that this is part if me. Forever a switch at heart, whether D/s or SM, or dare I say it, vanilla! I like to give and receive, that’s who I am.

August 18th, 2011

The Art of Collaring

Collars have been playing on my mind a lot recently.  They’ve been a feature of the news, prompting an interesting post by Not an Odalisque but my mind has been thinking about them in a slightly different way, with thoughts jumbling and tumbling around, what with everything else going on in my life.

You may remember my post where I talked about my own submission.  Our dynamic is growing, adapting, changing and being explored.  One aspect of this came up a few weeks ago.  During a scene, S slipped a collar round my neck.  It wasn’t the first time I’d ever worn one, having been a teenage rebel (ha!), wearing them as a fashion statement (ha!), plus I also own a very nice leather posture collar but this was different.  The intention was different.

Feeling the collar encircle my neck, S’s caring and sadistic hands securing it.  The pleased look on her face.  I made no move to take it off until morning, feeling strangely content at having worn it all night, naked to the world except for it.  I actually felt some level of regret at having to take it off in the morning before going on my way to work. 

I don’t think I see the collar in the same way as some.  It isn’t a necessary symbol of our relationship and I don’t feel that to get into my submissive headspace that I have to wear it but to have S tenderly fix my collar in place does help me to connect to her.  I know some of it is less about the collar and more about the physical connection it brings in the act of having it put on and taken off me but there’s also something else.  The other week, S decided that she didn’t want me to take it off when we went out.  We were going to a munch and the SMDykes meeting anyway so it wasn’t exactly a problem with the company we keep and there was a small part of me that liked advertising our relationship to the ‘world’.  A constant reminder over those hours that I am hers.  Extending the moments, prompting more than a little reminder at the back of my mind. 

Again and again, my thoughts and feelings are disjointed and not fully formed.  I think dynamic is a brilliant word to use to talk about our d/s (and s/m) relationship.  It suggests fluidity and evolution and adaptation.  Nothing’s set in concrete whilst we learn to work with new feelings, different emotions.  I am enjoying exploring this side of me, a side I wasn’t sure I had.  But one thing is sure to me right now, that the act of placing that collar round my neck is sure to bring shivers down my spine, not through the cold but through the thoughts the start running through my head.


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