Posts tagged ‘anxiety’

October 9th, 2011

That Ugly Green-Eyed Monster

A year ago, when I found myself on the cusp of a poly relationship, I thought I should read some stuff, including the wonderful Ethical Slut.  Many things talked about owning your jealousy and I really thought that it was something that wasn’t a huge problem, although I think I knew that deep down, I was kidding myself.  Recently, the husbear’s lover wrote a wonderful post on jealousy, which coincided quite nicely with a severe case of the green-eyed monster for me.

I feel jealous quite a lot of the time, I have to admit really.  But most of the time, I can deal with it.  I know that it’s more about me than anything else and, if it involves my partners having other partners, it is really hypocritical of me to be bothered by them having other partners but just recently, someone managed to wriggle under my skin and, as well as causing me to have to deal with my jealousy in a big way, it reared up some slightly more shitty feelings but, having time to sit down and work through my jealousy has made me realise that it’s all interlinked.

It all boils down to my own low self-esteem.  I am jealous of traits other people have because I feel that if my partners see that I don’t have these traits, they’re realise that I’m not good enough and run off.  Which is, frankly, ridiculous.  I know they’re with me because I am who I am.  The fact they might want to be with someone who is different is because they’re different but that doesn’t mean better.  I just need to build up my confidence and self-esteem and remind myself that I’m being silly.

In general, I need to deal with my self-esteem and confidence.  Some of it is an easy case of some kind words from others helping, some of it is deeper seated than than and I need to work on it.  Something I really am thinking about though is whether to go back into modelling for fun.  It used to be something I really enjoyed…hmmm, pondering time.

September 6th, 2011

The Invisible Monster

Most people struggle to get up early in the morning, especially in the dead of Winter when even just poking a toe out of the duvet will send a shiver down your spine. I wish this was like that. To struggle with a tight feeling in my chest, a sinking feeling in my stomach, waves of nausea flooding over me. Anxiety can sometimes creep up on me when I least expect it, causing me to panic and snap. Breathing gets harder and my hands will shake. The easiest tasks seem impossible and the only thing I feel capable of is curling up in bed. The thought of being around others fills me with horror and functioning normally becomes difficult.

Some days I know why I’m like this. It makes it a little easier and I can cope a little better. Other days it creeps up like a monster, filling me with feelings that seem impossible to shift, my world crumbling around me. Over the years I’ve found coping mechanisms and have an amazing support network especially having B and S in my life.

I struggle sometimes with my thoughts. It sounds wrong to want to deal with my problems via play but sometimes I get a feeling that it could help. The connection from play, the levels of care and attention, the way I often focus my breathing, leaving me trance-like. I find it hard as it seems so wrong and against logic but I will often crave this. One day I’m sure I will resolve these feelings in my mind.

June 22nd, 2011

Out of the closet

I’ve only just realised that I’ve managed to skip over a lot of what’s been going on right now in my life. Things have been very hectic, with lots of social engagements and fun to be had, stretching me to my limit as an introvert and, at times, leading my to anxiety. I’ve also found myself able to cope with the more stressful situations better than I could ever have imagined so it all balances out in the end.

I suppose what I should have written about the most was the story of my coming out, coming clean and getting it all out there in the world (well, at least to my immediate family). You may remember the letter I posted several months ago. At the time, I had no idea how I was going to tell my parents about S but I came to the comclusion that there would never be a right way, never a right time. The letter seemed like the least painful way; I got a chance to tell my side of things carefully and they got a chance to think it through before talking to me.

I set a date in my mind. The letter would be posted on the way back from my cousin’s wedding, knowing that I had Conference just after to busy myself with and plenty of my friends would be there if I needed that. What I wrote was almost exactly what I posted here. I gave my brother some warning (he really didn’t seem to be bothered), just in case and then sat back and waited, anxiety, nerves and worry taking its toll but I’d had that problem for weeks, playing the worst case senarios over and over in my mind like a bad film. The build up to sending the letter and the waiting really were the worst. I flew between relief that I was finally being honest and fear that I would lose my parents. I can’t even really begin to explain just what kept going through my head, but it was horrid.

It turned out to be all for nothing. My parents, mainly, have been great. We’ve not talked about it directly much (B had that conversation) but they’ve met S and I can talk about her freely. There’s still times when I feel weird explaining that I won’t be in as I’m staying over S or B’s busy with O but, it’s not so bad. It’s much easier than lying by ommision and I think my parents, whilst not approving, are ok because I am happy and no one is being hurt. To be honest, I think the think that has upset them the most is that they’ve realised how long I’ve been hiding my sexuality from them. It’s not even something I considered would be an issue either. I worried about their moral objections at having multiple partners, without even thinking that they might be bothered that one of them is female. But they are being great and reminding me (frequently) that I am loved still.

It’s still not sunk in. And I’m still finding people who do not know; those that have missed the fact or those I’m still too scared to tell. But I remind myself, those people important and close to me know the truth; they’re seeing the real me and that’s the most important thing in the world to me.

April 6th, 2011

A Possible Letter…

…or a letter of possibility.

I wrote a letter to my parents in my notebook last month, just after the SMDykes workshop on BDSM and poly.  I seem to find myself thinking most about coming out to my parents just before the monthly meeting.  I don’t know exactly why.  Maybe it’s because of the openly poly people there or because going reminds myself that my parents have no idea about that part of me.
I want to come out to them.  I find it hard bending the truth plus I don’t want it to come across to anyone that I’m ashamed of S being my girlfriend (which is so far from the truth, it’s almost funny).  I’m just so scared of their reaction, of the things they might do and say because it hurts them.  If I just wanted the easy life, I’d continue not telling them but at what cost?  The lies would get bigger, the guilt will get to me and it’d be messy.  I’ve decided there’s never going to be a perfect time; there’s always going to be something going on that will stop me, a birthday here, father’s day there etc and I could put it off forever but that just won’t do.  It has to be done; they need to be told.  By the end of June, I’m going to tell them.  Sometime after my cousin’s wedding (that’s too close and I do have to spend too much time around them to want to tell them beforehand).  But how?  How can I ever find the right words?  What do I tell them?  How do I do it?  Do I send them a letter and go through the wait, wondering whether they’re read it?  Do I tell them in person and risk tumbling over my words and getting upset?  Do I slip it into casual conversation?  Do I hand them a note and wait to see their faces drop?  No way is ever going to be perfect but I need to pick one.  Anyway…the following is the letter I wrote…I just don’t know if this is the ‘best’ option.
Dear Mum and Dad,
This isn’t an easy letter for me to write but I need to be honest with you and to stop hiding something from you that is very important to me.
I am polyamorous.  I don’t know if this is a term that you’ve come across but, for me, it means being open to having more than one emotional relationship whilst being honest with everyone involved.  B knows about about this and is happy for me because I can be truly myself.  My feelings for him haven’t changed; he is still my husband, I love him and he means the world to me but there is also someone else in my life, whom I love.  S and I have been together for a little while now.  She knows all about B and is, in fact, quite good friends with him now.
It has been hard for me to tell you all of this as I don’t want you to be disappointed in me; I am still the same person, I just get to be honest and share with you what’s going on in my life.  It’s important that I tell you as I don’t want to lie to you and I’ve hated not being fully open with you.  I know it may be hard for you to understand and if you need me to talk to you about it more, please ask me.  It doesn’t mean that B means any less to me or that our relationship has problems.
I hope that you can accept this of me.  I’ve told you because you are an important part of my life and it was getting too hard knowing that I was keeping things from you. 
A x
March 9th, 2011


I suffer from anxiety and although it doesn’t effect me all the time, it is something I have to deal with on a pretty regular basis. Once upon a time, I didn’t really cope with it well, and there’s still times now that I find it hard but I’m also beginning to realise that I can use kink as a way to help work through it. A really good sensual and deep session, with a long work up to send me off to another place.

Read more…

February 22nd, 2011


There are times when I need to just write about things in my life, not just the kinky fun.  Don’t get my wrong, those aspects certainly are fun and I love trying to write about them but there are times when I get a little neurotic or feel like I’m acting like a psycho lesbian and I have to get it out there, banish the words from my body, so to speak.  Recently, I have begun writing an actual journal again, although in my Moleskine that is also my take everywhere notebook.  There’s something therapeutic about seeing the pages fill up with lines of my writing, even if it is rambling, illegible waffle.  A private space for my thoughts, without burdening the people around me.  Sometimes the words will flow so easily that, when I glance down properly, I’m surprised to see pages full of my train of thought.  Other times, I almost have to force every single word out onto the page but it generally feels a lot better afterwards.

There are other places I like to write too.  I have a vanilla blog, which is sadly a little neglected right now.  It’s usually filled with talk of my domestic achievements, like baking or knitting and, since I’ve not been knitting much and my baking seems to have been eaten up before I can even find the camera, it’s remained rather devoid of words recently.  I’m hoping that I might be able to kick start that again if I can just kick start that Stepford housewife part of me again!  Maybe my idea of re-forming the crafty munch will have some effect on my knitting productivity at least. 
I tweet a reasonable amount too.  I, again, have two accounts.  One you can clearly see if linked on this blog and I often use it to flirt with S or interact with other kinky/poly people.  My other twitter is used a lot less and is full of my vanilla, quite often knitting friends (there does seem to be a pattern to this).  I have been known to use it as a way to help me get through my anxiety attacks, that 140 character limit being quite helpful for the tiny bursts of writing that I feel I can do when even taking a couple of steps down the road is making me feel like I’m going to panic and freak out.  It’s an incredibly hard feeling to describe when I feel I cannot leave a place.  When the seemingly easy task of opening the front door takes the amount of courage that I’d expect to need to jump out of a plane when I’m well (there are days when I think a parachute jump would be easier than the journey to work), I need some way of coping.  I’ve found that twitter helps me.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s the idea that I know someone has shared my angst just by reading my comment or just the idea of admitting to the world that I’m finding it hard somehow makes it a little more bearable.  On the other side of twitter, I do enjoy reading other people’s tweets and can keep in touch with my distant friends’ lives.
That’s my reason for enjoying Facebook too.  Again, two accounts.  One is my ‘real’ me account, full of people from school and linked to my husband.  Due to the lack of the ability of being able to add multiple people to the ‘in a relationship’ section, plus the fact that I have my mother as a ‘friend’ on Facebook, I also have a profile for my pin-up alter ego.  Here I can be in a relationship with S and not have to hide.  I have a lot of duplicate friends on here.  Those that already know the full story and those that I’m more than happy to tell when they ask (I find going out my way to explain poly as a bit odd, although I have done it).  It’s nice to have somewhere I can shout about S from the highest hills.
And this is where the neurotic, psycho lesbian behaviour of the day comes in; I’m fed up of having this multiple set up.  I wish I could be one person, not split between multiple personae.  Although Alyss, Ava and the rest are all the same person at the end of the day, sometimes I wish I could be open and honest with everyone around me, without the fear that I’m going to upset and offend people.  Unfortunately the world is not an accepting place and, although I shouldn’t care what others thing of me, I do, especially when it’s my parents involved.  I love two people and I can’t see my life without either of them (there, I’ve said it!) and I want to tell the world.  I don’t want to keep on hiding things from people.  I’ve been with S for 5 months and B just shy of 10.  I feel very strongly for both of them.  I shouldn’t have to pretend otherwise.  I know that what’s important is how I feel and it doesn’t really matter than I can’t live entirely openly but there is a little part of me that wishes I didn’t have to be grown up and sensible: I want to be in the playground holding both S and B’s hands.
January 5th, 2011

Coming Clean

I’ve never come out to my parents about my sexuality. This is not because I didn’t want to particularly but because of what they see my life as. I’ve been in a relationship with B for 10 years and my parents believe this is entirely monogamous. If I told them I fancy women too, are they likely to even entertain the idea as, from what they see, I have no real basis for my sexuality beyond looking at people and thinking they’re hot. I’ve found it easier over the years to just not bring it up. I don’t really hide the fact I am pretty much a lesbian but I’ve never come out and said “I’m gay”.

Being with S has made me think more about coming out to them. The discussions about her coming out to her own parents have made me think about my situation. I also love her and want to tell everyone I can about it! It’s not so simple though. When I come out to my parents, I’ll be doing it twice over. They will have to deal with the fact I like women (a lot) and the fact I’m involved with two people. Just how do you explain to someone you’re poly? How are they going to understand that I’m not having an illicit affair? Are they ever going to believe that B is fine with this? Will they cast me out for being immoral?

If my relationship was different with my parents, maybe I wouldn’t mind so much but we are very close. That’s one of the reasons it’s so hard keeping this from them as it is but can they ever be happy for me and not judge my life? I don’t even know where to begin explaining what’s going on in my life. I don’t even know if they’ve even heard of polyamory. I don’t want to hurt them. I know that how they feel about it won’t be my fault but I do know I can protect them from the pain, although at my own discomfort.

The thing is, I want them to know so that I can include S in my life more. I want her to meet the parents (I know they will like her), I want to be able to talk about her without holding back and I don’t want to have to leave this until it’s very necessary such as if we decide that we’re cohabiting. At the same time, our relationship is still new and I don’t need to be telling them just yet.

I need to strike a happy balance right now, both living in the moment and giving some consideration to the future. I may not need to tell my parents this right now but one day I will. Maybe I will have a sudden wonderful idea of how to do it, but for now, I’m going to make the most of my life and avoid actual lying, which is the same as I have been doing for years anyway.

December 11th, 2010

Battered and Bruised…

…and loving it!

I’ve always been kinky but over the last few years, I have become more regressed and vanilla due to many changes in my life. Now that I’ve gone back to the dark side, I’m having to learn who I am and what I actually do like kink-wise. Some things have been hard to accept, others I’ve been surprised at and some things have gone full circle from like to dislike to loving! A further prompt to really do some kink-searching was getting together with my new lover. The first serious mention of actual BDSM had me freaking out, quite irrationally, but then, I became excited with the idea and really had to think hard about my limits, likes and ideas. Or course, this has led to some actual experimenting and playing.

My first major set of bruises came from a session where I really pushed my pain threshold and really fought with that part of my brain saying that it was all wrong. I had floods of emotions, including being entirely overwhelmed with how I felt when I realised that, yes, pain does make me very turned on! I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about the marks, bruises and pain for several days but it was novel and quite pretty looking so I hadn’t ruled it out again.

Then there has been the first session with S. A week of nerves building up, knowing it would be the first time I was going to be caned, some level of fear of changing what we already had together. But it was an amazing release and a wonderful level of pain. It didn’t feel like I had to push myself in the same way because I already knew I could handle it and I wasn’t worrying about the marks. A new experience with toys that now don’t scare me. But the most interesting thing is how I’m realising I feel about the marks, the pain, the bruising; I’m proud of it. I like being reminded of it. I admit, it was a little weird having B examining the bruise with S pointing out what made which mark and both of them taking advantage of the situation but it was a good weird.

I thought I was just going to be going back to the old me but I have found a new person; someone with more maturity. It’s hard to let go of the old little secure idea of who I was but the new person I’m forming is happier, realer and definitely more adventurous…and loves the fact that she has two people trying to make those marks last!

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