Archive for ‘Relationships’

June 28th, 2014

Good Girl

As you may know, I didn’t always see myself as a submissive.  Or submissive really.  I’ve been thinking about that a lot, having read various different things recently, including some awesome posts on Sugarbutch Chronicles and I also took the Submissive Playground s-type quiz.  Plus I’ve just been doing my usual pondering/overthinking thing like I always do.  It’s been interesting to look at myself in retrospect, realising that there always was a submissive part of me, just I didn’t always have someone to submit to.  Or, I should say, someone I could submit to.  My journey with that is still continuing, although I’m sure I have met my match.  I still don’t always want to now, which is probably one of the main reasons that I can’t do a permanently collared, 24/7 D/s relationship!  It’s not just be being bratty, there are just aspects of my personality that don’t sit well with having that power exchange all of the time, plus, being a poly switch makes a permanent collar more difficult, for me anyway.

There is a difference between being submissive and a submissive.  I’ve always been aware of it but I don’t think I really got the distinction until quite recently.  Well, the distinction I have in my head, of my kind of submission.  There is a submissive side of me, one that wants to give myself up to someone.  It’s the act of submission, of serving, of taking a punishment, of being an object, whatever that act may be.  Being a submissive, though, is that craving I have.  That deep seated longing I have to behave, to give up my control, to be collared and cared for.  It’s subtle, with blurring edges and I’m not even sure if I’ve really put my point across well enough for you to see how I feel it’s different.  Plus I know that other people will probably see it in a different way.  Maybe it’s because I see myself as submissive but I am his submissive.  Not just a random one.  Not a submissive for just anyone.  I can act the part when needs be (sometimes my camming work dictates this) but, in general, I am his.  Let me explain.

Sometimes, all I want is to be a good girl, a princess, a good kitty.  Curled up, being stroked, my head in a lap, a collar round my neck.  Or on my knees, waiting, presenting, polishing boots.  Or wearing a plug, dressing up pretty, taking photos of myself.  I want to be his good girl.  I want my head in his lap.  I want to kneel before him.  Follow instructions for him.

This is where I realise I am a submissive, but not any random one, his.  Always.

March 8th, 2014

Secretary

I decided to watch the film Secretary again last night.  It’s been a while since I last watched it all of the way through and meant that I was watching through a different pair of eyes again.  This film has a lot of importance to me; not only is it a very accessible film to do with BDSM, D/s dynamics and features the ever gorgeous Maggie Gyllenhaal but it was also in watching this that I first became aware of my identity as a submissive.

When I first watched Secretary, probably about 10 years ago, I loved it.  It had a girl I could lust over and identify with, at least a little, and it was affirming: kink existed outside of my little bubble.  I did already know this; I’d attended Erotica exhibition and went to Kinkfest 2 but to have something so mainstream, so watchable, so talked about, out there was a big deal to the younger me.  It still is one of my reasons for loving this film.  As I’ve talked about before, I didn’t really see myself as submissive when I was younger so I could only really observe the story from an abstract point of view, although I could at least empathise with Lee’s mental health condition and self-harm.  I know how much of a struggle that is and finding someone to help ease that pain is a wonderful thing. 

The last time I can properly remember watching Secretary properly was with S.  It was when we were away for a post-Conference rest at a hotel with the biggest bed I have ever slept in!  I remember it clearly as I found myself struggling with how it stirred my emotions and thoughts, how it made me realise certain things about myself.  In watching the film at that moment, I managed to understand the feelings I’d had for S, in wanting to be the best I could for her, in wanting to give myself to her completely, in wanting to do anything she desired.  In that moment, I finally saw myself as a submissive.  Not submissive all the time and for anyone but for S.  I was her submissive.  I got upset.  I didn’t fully understand how I could feel like this, the girl who insisted she wasn’t a sub.  S hadn’t signed up for this.  She didn’t see herself as a dominant.  It was probably one of the scariest but amazing moments, realising so much about myself as a person from one film.

Now, getting on for three years later, I watch the film from a very different place, both emotionally and physically.  I was on my own, treating myself to a well deserved night in being kind to myself.  My relationships have vastly changed in this time, although I still identify as a submissive, but to E now.  Another unexpected relationship, another unexpected dynamic.  Watching the film, I see all of the subtle hints to high protocol; the hand gestures, the unquestioning nature of Lee, the emphasis on certain words and phrases.  I see all of this and smile, knowing what it is like to be like that.  I even understand more fully the use of kink and D/s in dealing with mental health issues, myself knowing that it helps ground me, helps me get through rough patches, by being cared for, looked after and, above all, having control “taken” away from me.  In fact, as many people realise, submission is never about having control taken from you but the submissive giving that control up, offering that to their dominants.  At the same time, I can see how I have grown, how things have changed.  I hope it’s for the better and I can have more healthy D/s relationships now.  I look at the film and, obviously, in the beginning, the relationship isn’t healthy.  No negotiation, no consent, no communication.  I’ve always tried to do better than that.  It’s not just that though.  I don’t know whether it’s just because I switch with E or whether it’s my take on D/s or just a slightly different dynamic but I don’t have exactly the same need to be my absolute best all of the time.  I don’t feel I need to prove myself as much.  Of course, when I am in sub mode, I want to do my best for E, show him just how good I can be but it doesn’t eek out into my everyday life as much.  In the moment, I am still his, still giving myself completely, still willing to do almost anything but I definitely don’t end up feeling that all of the time and I know that is better for me now.  Much as there is a romantic notion of 24/7 D/s that I love, I know that it’s not for me.  I am too much of a switch, way too stubborn and far too independent.  I could never give up control all of the time and I would never want to.

November 13th, 2013

Submission and Collars

Collar

I’m a strange one, I suppose.  It took me a long time to accept my submission but, even when I did, I didn’t really understand the collaring thing, beyond it being a sign of ownership, something that I really didn’t want.  I’d owned a few collars as fashion accessories but nothing more. My opinion of it slowly changed, realising the connection I would get when S placed a collar around my neck, the nakedness I would feel without it.  Still, the collar I wore
actually belonged to me.  I did not wear her collar but my own.  When we had the uncollaring ceremony, I took the collar back but I decided that I didn’t want it giving to me directly; I wasn’t in a place emotionally to take it.  So E was with me and took it, as I trusted him to have my D/s interests and happiness at heart.  At the time, he was just a close friend and I wanted him and needed him to look out for me.

When we started playing more seriously and a D/s element crept in, it seemed like a logical and natural thing for him to place my old collar around my neck.  Collars and cuffs made me feel safe, loved, protected.  The Girl wears his permanent, locked collar but I know that’s just not something I could ever do; I’m too much of a switch for something like that.  My old collar was working out fine, most of the time, but it would get uncomfortable after a little while but I just couldn’t see myself getting another one though.  E talked of buying one for me but a few things happened and that saved me the conversation that would seem a little off for a submissive girl to be having.  The thing is, I can power exchange and give myself up in the moment.  I can submit, trust someone with everything and yet I cannot give up that teeny, tiny last bit of control.  I need to be in control, even if that does just mean that the collar that goes around my neck is one that I choose to let someone use on me.

We chose together and I even had it posted to him.  He brought it over and slipped it around my neck, padlocking it for extra effect.  It fits so well; wide enough to feel a little restrictive but comfy enough to wear for hours.  It matches the cuffs he owns already.  It feels beautiful, it smells lovely and it really is mine.  But it’s also a symbol when I wear it that he is looking after me, he is caring for me, he is in control.  I have chosen to give him that and that is what makes this collar so special now.  It may still belong to me but it was bought very much to show who I have given myself to, in that moment and it makes me feel safe and protected.  Plus, it is very pretty.  I’ve always loved wearing a collar but this is the first that has made me feel quite like this.

May 7th, 2013

Longing for protection

Since I had major hip surgery 4 weeks ago, my kink life has taken a bit of a back seat as the pain I’m in and the breaks in my bones mean I really should be taking it pretty easy.  That doesn’t mean that my mind shuts up though and kink is frequently on the brain, on both sides of the switchy divide.  My cravings change on an almost daily basis, mainly because I know I can’t have any of it but it keeps coming back to something in particular that I haven’t had for a long time.

Although I was never formally collared during my time with S, I did wear one for her at times during play and when out together and I did form a psychological bond with it.  It made me feel protected and safe, looked after and secure.  There was something very comforting in being able to feel the leather against my skin, bound around my neck.  The smell is heavenly too ( I’ve got a bit of a thing for leather, can you tell?).  Recently, I have really wanted to feel that again, and extend it to leather cuffs too.

The thing is, this all got me thinking about D/s relationships in general.  I’ve never really had much of a formal arrangement, having fallen into D/s relationships before, but there are aspects that I would love to see if they would work for me with someone, as a submissive.  I did a lot of reading when I found myself as a submissive, as well as going to several workshops and I became rather interested in protocol and service.  I like the idea of ritual and rules regarding my behaviour and actions.  I am too stubborn and independent to ever want a 24/7 relationship, plus I always wonder how that would work in poly, especially as a switch but I do have a desire to explore this side of myself again in the future, with the right person, when I am well again.  The idea excites and interests me, as well as missing some of the things I had before that came with my submission.

August 9th, 2012

Punched, Slapped and Fucked

My cheek gently caressed by her hand, I feel safe and close my eyes. Big mistake as I’m shocked into the real world again by a vicious sting on the other cheek. A second later, his cock is driving into my cunt and I feel delicate hands tugging at my nipples. Just as I’m getting used to the pain, it stops. I let out a whimper. My second big mistake as his cock starts pushing into my arse and she’s pushing my head onto hers. Trying to focus on the fingers in her dripping cunt, I lose track of what is where, my body overcome with sensation, inching towards the precipice of my orgasm. It pulses through me, again and again, guttural screaming making me hoarse. I become unaware of my surroundings, coming to, dishevelled on the bed.

Thinking I’m safe, I try to get up but am pushed back down, his head between my legs, her hands scratching, slapping and punching my already exhausted body. His nails in my skin, her biting at my neck. Overcome by my desire again, I’m aware of movement and suddenly her cock is in me. My moans of pleasure are cut off by his hand over my month and nose and I find myself pushed to the edge again, ecstasy taking over. Surely they must be done with me now, this tiny, used bundle? Apparently not…

October 9th, 2011

That Ugly Green-Eyed Monster

A year ago, when I found myself on the cusp of a poly relationship, I thought I should read some stuff, including the wonderful Ethical Slut.  Many things talked about owning your jealousy and I really thought that it was something that wasn’t a huge problem, although I think I knew that deep down, I was kidding myself.  Recently, the husbear’s lover wrote a wonderful post on jealousy, which coincided quite nicely with a severe case of the green-eyed monster for me.

I feel jealous quite a lot of the time, I have to admit really.  But most of the time, I can deal with it.  I know that it’s more about me than anything else and, if it involves my partners having other partners, it is really hypocritical of me to be bothered by them having other partners but just recently, someone managed to wriggle under my skin and, as well as causing me to have to deal with my jealousy in a big way, it reared up some slightly more shitty feelings but, having time to sit down and work through my jealousy has made me realise that it’s all interlinked.

It all boils down to my own low self-esteem.  I am jealous of traits other people have because I feel that if my partners see that I don’t have these traits, they’re realise that I’m not good enough and run off.  Which is, frankly, ridiculous.  I know they’re with me because I am who I am.  The fact they might want to be with someone who is different is because they’re different but that doesn’t mean better.  I just need to build up my confidence and self-esteem and remind myself that I’m being silly.

In general, I need to deal with my self-esteem and confidence.  Some of it is an easy case of some kind words from others helping, some of it is deeper seated than than and I need to work on it.  Something I really am thinking about though is whether to go back into modelling for fun.  It used to be something I really enjoyed…hmmm, pondering time.

June 14th, 2011

Submission

There is a different state of mind when I play with her. I want to please her, make her proud of me. In that moment, I am hers completely. She has me in her control at that point, my trust in her immense. The thought of doing anything wrong, of doing anything to disappoint, to annoy, shames me. I want to be hers, for her to treat me as she feels fit, to use me as she pleases. The words of praise fill me with warmth, the ones of displeasure, upset me but make me strive to do better, to make her see how much I am doing for her. I do as she tells me, take what she gives me and try to please her. I am hers.

This is my submission. There is no kneeing at her feet, calling her mistress. I do not serve in the traditional sense. There is no collar, there is no contract, no formal set up. And yet I feel this way, a feeling I never expected to have.

I enjoy it, of course, but it’s different, in a way. In other settings, I find myself acting out more, fighting back, or safewording when it gets a little difficult. My state of mind will be entirely different, even though the levels of trust are there. What I experience is different. What I get out of it is different. It’s not even like this all the time but, when it is, I’m still a little surprised by who I become. I never thought I had this in me.

March 20th, 2011

Reconnecting

I think there always comes a time in relationships when that honeymoon period is over and things start to settle into a pattern. Stability and familiarly is nice but sometimes it can be nice to shake things up again. It’s never that the fire’s gone out but just turned down low, running low on fuel. I know the feeling well; 10 years with someone means that those flames have been all over the place at times. Real life can get in the way; household worries, health problems, work, study…all kinds of things. You don’t always notice straight away, life will continue comfortably and perfectly well but getting that energy back can do wonders for a relationship.

Read more…

March 3rd, 2011

Polyamorous Rollercoaster

All relationships have their ups and downs, a natural progession.  Sometimes they will be high as a kite, filling you with glee.  Other times there will be dips where your paths barely cross and your alone whilst together.  And there’s everything in between too.  Or so I’ve found.  Monogomous people seem to forget this when they see a polyamorous relationship going wrong, or even not being perfect.  Sure, polyamory has its complexities but the general problems will quite probably still be there even if other partners aren’t involved.

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