Archive for March, 2014

March 8th, 2014

Secretary

I decided to watch the film Secretary again last night.  It’s been a while since I last watched it all of the way through and meant that I was watching through a different pair of eyes again.  This film has a lot of importance to me; not only is it a very accessible film to do with BDSM, D/s dynamics and features the ever gorgeous Maggie Gyllenhaal but it was also in watching this that I first became aware of my identity as a submissive.

When I first watched Secretary, probably about 10 years ago, I loved it.  It had a girl I could lust over and identify with, at least a little, and it was affirming: kink existed outside of my little bubble.  I did already know this; I’d attended Erotica exhibition and went to Kinkfest 2 but to have something so mainstream, so watchable, so talked about, out there was a big deal to the younger me.  It still is one of my reasons for loving this film.  As I’ve talked about before, I didn’t really see myself as submissive when I was younger so I could only really observe the story from an abstract point of view, although I could at least empathise with Lee’s mental health condition and self-harm.  I know how much of a struggle that is and finding someone to help ease that pain is a wonderful thing. 

The last time I can properly remember watching Secretary properly was with S.  It was when we were away for a post-Conference rest at a hotel with the biggest bed I have ever slept in!  I remember it clearly as I found myself struggling with how it stirred my emotions and thoughts, how it made me realise certain things about myself.  In watching the film at that moment, I managed to understand the feelings I’d had for S, in wanting to be the best I could for her, in wanting to give myself to her completely, in wanting to do anything she desired.  In that moment, I finally saw myself as a submissive.  Not submissive all the time and for anyone but for S.  I was her submissive.  I got upset.  I didn’t fully understand how I could feel like this, the girl who insisted she wasn’t a sub.  S hadn’t signed up for this.  She didn’t see herself as a dominant.  It was probably one of the scariest but amazing moments, realising so much about myself as a person from one film.

Now, getting on for three years later, I watch the film from a very different place, both emotionally and physically.  I was on my own, treating myself to a well deserved night in being kind to myself.  My relationships have vastly changed in this time, although I still identify as a submissive, but to E now.  Another unexpected relationship, another unexpected dynamic.  Watching the film, I see all of the subtle hints to high protocol; the hand gestures, the unquestioning nature of Lee, the emphasis on certain words and phrases.  I see all of this and smile, knowing what it is like to be like that.  I even understand more fully the use of kink and D/s in dealing with mental health issues, myself knowing that it helps ground me, helps me get through rough patches, by being cared for, looked after and, above all, having control “taken” away from me.  In fact, as many people realise, submission is never about having control taken from you but the submissive giving that control up, offering that to their dominants.  At the same time, I can see how I have grown, how things have changed.  I hope it’s for the better and I can have more healthy D/s relationships now.  I look at the film and, obviously, in the beginning, the relationship isn’t healthy.  No negotiation, no consent, no communication.  I’ve always tried to do better than that.  It’s not just that though.  I don’t know whether it’s just because I switch with E or whether it’s my take on D/s or just a slightly different dynamic but I don’t have exactly the same need to be my absolute best all of the time.  I don’t feel I need to prove myself as much.  Of course, when I am in sub mode, I want to do my best for E, show him just how good I can be but it doesn’t eek out into my everyday life as much.  In the moment, I am still his, still giving myself completely, still willing to do almost anything but I definitely don’t end up feeling that all of the time and I know that is better for me now.  Much as there is a romantic notion of 24/7 D/s that I love, I know that it’s not for me.  I am too much of a switch, way too stubborn and far too independent.  I could never give up control all of the time and I would never want to.


%d bloggers like this: