Archive for January, 2013

January 31st, 2013

Almost

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Denying kisses is almost as hot as kisses themselves

January 30th, 2013

The Seesaw of D/s

Many years ago, I used to be a very different person. People would meet me and assume that I was domineering, which couldn’t have been further from the truth. At the same time, I insisted that I wasn’t submissive either. This was a time when I didn’t really know much about BDSM and the different labels for things; all I knew was that I liked being on the receiving end of things and liked to fight back!

Fast forward to about 18 months ago.  I knew I liked bottoming; I’m very much a masochist.  I also kept having sadistic thoughts about some people but wasn’t that bothered about acting on them.  I’d occasionally switch with the Bear.  There was also this feeling of wanting to serve, to look after, to give myself to S.  It scared me.  I’d spent so long saying I wasn’t a submissive that I was unnerved when it crept up on me.  So I accepted it, with a little bit of fighting and just decided it was a person specific thing.  I was still more into the SM thing.  I could get my head round that.

12 months later and I found myself wanting to use the sadist in me.  Situations meant that topping was easier, almost more mentally.  I wouldn’t have to process pain, I could focus all my attention on someone else.  I found myself playing with T and something clicked into place.  Suddenly I really got what topping was about and I felt fabulous.  I still wanted to bottom though, to take a beating, as well as doling it out.  I wanted to be S’s good girl.

Another shift, another change and I find myself feeling like I will never be submissive again.  I lost S, the only person I thought could make me feel like that.  I was in a much more toppy headspace anyway.  I was a very satisfied switch, happy to remember the D/s dynamic I once had but not to crave or seek it out.

Of course, these things have a habit of sneaking up on you.  The more time I spend with T, the more I play with her, the more I want to protect her, to look after my kitty, my good girl, to give her what she needs.  All it takes is that look in her eyes, kneeling, looking up to me, addressing me as Miss (the idea of being called mistress still cracks me up!).  I find myself feeling more dominant than I ever have done, something that surprises me, however much people insist that’s how I come across to a lot of people, being tall, dark haired, corseted and looking like I’m going to kill the next person who speaks out of line.  That’s not dominant me though.  She is not angry or cold; she doesn’t want to act like she’s better than the people around her.

So why is the idea of service and within scene submission coming back?  Surely you can’t be both a dominant and submissive?  Oh, yeah, the lines aren’t that defined.  The labels we use aren’t always perfect and I think my understanding of them may have been wrong.  It doesn’t have to be 24/7, you are still equal individuals and you can have a set aside time when you play with the exchange of power.  I still want to be someone’s good girl.  I still want to make someone proud of me or take what they feel I deserve.  Being submissive doesn’t make me passive: being dominant doesn’t mean I have to be a stone femme.

I don’t really know where this ramble is taking me.  I think, at the end of the day, my labels are blurring.  I am who I am and certain, seemingly contradictory  relationships and traits are developing and I just have to embrace that this is part if me. Forever a switch at heart, whether D/s or SM, or dare I say it, vanilla! I like to give and receive, that’s who I am.

January 5th, 2013

All In My Head

Fantasies are a fabulous thing. You can experiment, dream, take on a new form, do things you’d never have the guts to actually do. They’re your own little private world. You can choose to act on them, choose to share them, choose to keep them hidden away. They’re entirely yours to own. Sometimes they are fleeting, something you think about once or twice,  or sometimes they are persistent, lingering in your mind, however much you seem to change as a person. I’m not one to analyse my fantasies, surprisingly, even though they are part of us. They can be very subconscious or even directed by conscious thought. They can be about anything but my favourite fantasies are sexual ones. They give you extra freedom from convention, from social norms, from acceptable behaviour. In my experience though, I can still feel shame from them, especially the one I am about to share. I know it’s a pretty common one but, if you know me, you will get why it shames me. But I am trying to let that go. I never have to act on it. Plus, I am horny as hell and have been gently encouraged! It is my longest standing fantasy, one my mind always finds itself drifting back to. I’ve only shared it with very select people, who know just when and how they can use the information to get me even hotter under the collar!

Everything seems normal enough. I come home from work and you greet me with a hug. You pull me into a passionate embrace and I feel the tingle that comes from your kiss. You lead me straight upstairs and into the bedroom. You calmly order me to strip. I hesitate for a second but then pull my clothes off, dumping them in a pile on the floor. You’ve appeared with the soft leather wrist and ankle cuffs, the ones with the red trim. Both comfortable and secure. I offer my hands but you just shake your head. I hadn’t seem the posture collar. You place it round my neck, buckling just a little tight, the pressure making me tingle, the collar forcing my head up straight. You look approvingly and gently fix all the cuffs into position, moving around me carefully. Naked, anticipating your next move, I shiver a little.

The silk blindfold slips over my eyes and I am suddenly disorientated, my breath quickening. You lead me gently to the bed, making me get on all fours. The snap of the clips as you attach the wrist cuffs to each other. The wooden thud of a pole, followed by the spreading of my legs. Another two clips and a rattling. My ankles are spread, my arse in the air, a light breeze skimming over my cunt. I am exposed. I can feel my cunt tingling more, aching against my will. Begging to be touched. I breath. I try to stay calm but it’s hard.

I hear familiar sounds; a zip unfastening, a creak of a floorboard, muffled footsteps, your breathing, more footsteps, a belt buckle, the squeak of the toy chest lid. I am confused. I don’t know what to think, what you’re going to do, there’s too much noise.

The stings on my arse rain down. There’s a lot, they’re quick in succession and still there are footsteps and a hand on my head. I must be trying to move and I’m being gently but firmly stopped. You don’t say a word. I feel fingers at my cunt, then wetness wiped on my inner thigh. Another zip, I can smell you near my face. A cock pushed into my mouth. I lick and suck as best I can, gagging a little as you fuck my face. And then I feel hands on my hips, another cock pushing into my cunt. I try to gasp, I end up choking. I try to pull away, confused, but there’s a firm grasp on my hair and you keep fucking my face. Well, I think it’s you. I’m being pounded so hard, I barely have time to thing, to try to work things out. I hear more footsteps as the double thrusting continues; there must be more than two people.

The tears are pouring silently down my face, it’s finally just someone fucking my cunt but it’s hard, deep, persistent. It’s a big cock and I feel like I’m splitting open but still, I cannot move. Cuffed, held down, finally you whisper in my ear.

“I invited some friends over. We’re going to use you as we see fit. Your holes are ours.”

I try to respond but my voice is muffled by the cock promptly shoved in it. Cold, hard, femme cock.

“You’re dripping wet so I don’t know what you’re complaining about, slut”

I can barely think, orgasms are quaking through me and I’ve lost count at the number of cocks that I’ve had in me. My mind is a haze, my body is battered, bruised and abused and deep down, I know you’re right. I am enjoying it. I like being used. Not knowing who is fucking me has made me let go.

It feels like hours have gone by, fucking interspersed with punching, slapping, pinching. My body feels raw. The clips are unfastened and I colaspse. I curl up and sleep and when I wake, there is only you. It feels like a dream, until I feel the welts and see the bruises…

January 2nd, 2013

Merit Badges

I’ve been a fan of the Kinky Merit Badges for a while now and won four of them in the SM Dykes auction at conference last June.  I also got a Jed Phoenix sash to put them on but have never really got round to doing anything with them.  I’ve finally decided that I need to purchase the other three I think I will deserve and set myself tasks to earn these badges.  Along with that, I also want to make/find myself an outfit that looks something like the old Brownie uniforms to wear my sash with so I can be a kinky girl guide!  I just need a shirt dress and a neck tie thing, maybe in latex (Iki, I’m looking at you!)  So I have something like this, but black:

These are the badges I have and what I plan on doing to award them to myself.  It’s all rather silly, to be honest, but why should kink be so serious all the time?

Flogging

I want to get better at my flogging technique as I can already take quite a flogging and have made my own floggers.  I am not going to award this one to myself until I feel I can use the long flogger we bought at Folsom.

Bondage

This one is going to also be awarded for my topping ability too as I would love to learn how to do some basic ties and use the lovely rope Ruby gave me for Christmas.  I will award this to myself when I feel I have managed a scene using rope where I have good connection with my bottom and not just focusing on the rope itself.

Caning

This is going to be one I earn for bottoming, I feel as it has been a long time since I’ve been able to receive a caning due to my brain’s difficulty processing pain.  I will know when I am ready to give myself this one.

Breath Control

To be honest, I think I can already give myself this one as I have done this from the top and bottom side of things and love it!

Spanking

This is one that I think I should have from a topping point of view but I don’t think I deserve it yet until I receive another good, hard spanking!

Needle Play

I want to have a few more needle scenes under my belt and possibly also stick needles in a willing bottom before I let myself have this badge.

Deep Throat

I think the husbear would probably agree that I deserve this one already as I really don’t have much of a gag reflex, although I think that I can make someone choke on my femme cock more first!  Teehee!