Archive for October, 2011

October 9th, 2011

That Ugly Green-Eyed Monster

A year ago, when I found myself on the cusp of a poly relationship, I thought I should read some stuff, including the wonderful Ethical Slut.  Many things talked about owning your jealousy and I really thought that it was something that wasn’t a huge problem, although I think I knew that deep down, I was kidding myself.  Recently, the husbear’s lover wrote a wonderful post on jealousy, which coincided quite nicely with a severe case of the green-eyed monster for me.

I feel jealous quite a lot of the time, I have to admit really.  But most of the time, I can deal with it.  I know that it’s more about me than anything else and, if it involves my partners having other partners, it is really hypocritical of me to be bothered by them having other partners but just recently, someone managed to wriggle under my skin and, as well as causing me to have to deal with my jealousy in a big way, it reared up some slightly more shitty feelings but, having time to sit down and work through my jealousy has made me realise that it’s all interlinked.

It all boils down to my own low self-esteem.  I am jealous of traits other people have because I feel that if my partners see that I don’t have these traits, they’re realise that I’m not good enough and run off.  Which is, frankly, ridiculous.  I know they’re with me because I am who I am.  The fact they might want to be with someone who is different is because they’re different but that doesn’t mean better.  I just need to build up my confidence and self-esteem and remind myself that I’m being silly.

In general, I need to deal with my self-esteem and confidence.  Some of it is an easy case of some kind words from others helping, some of it is deeper seated than than and I need to work on it.  Something I really am thinking about though is whether to go back into modelling for fun.  It used to be something I really enjoyed…hmmm, pondering time.