Archive for September, 2011

September 9th, 2011

Sinzine Soapbox Rant – Femme Invisibility

I wrote this rant a little while ago, although it’s taken a while to be published.  There is obviously a flipside to it, which the darling S points out on a forum she frequents.

Why do you give her a look that says, “You don’t belong here”? Or even worse,
look straight through her, assuming she plays for the other side? Why does she feel
like an intruder in the gay bars when she’s git every right to be there? Why does
she feel invisible when she’s one of the most stunning women in the room? I’m
talking about all the gorgeous femmes out there, the ones that don’t want to dress
like the stereotypes imply. Those that like pretty clothes and wear makeup and aren’t
afraid of their femininity. My beautiful girlfriend is one of them; a girl that I can’t
believe I get to be on the arm of. And yet she gets a surprised look off many when
she says she’s a lesbian. She’s not about to exchange her heels for sensible Docs or
her dresses for dungarees but she’s still sad that, because she doesn’t confirm to a
stereotype, even other dykes fail to see her as one of them. She’s a little bit scared of
the local lesbian bar, in case people question her credentials and look at her like she’s
out of place. Why should she though? These wonderful femmes should be celebrated
for who they are. They shouldn’t be told, “There’s no way you’re a lesbian”. They
shouldn’t have to fight to be noticed. They should be accepted as part of our diverse
community.

September 6th, 2011

The Invisible Monster

Most people struggle to get up early in the morning, especially in the dead of Winter when even just poking a toe out of the duvet will send a shiver down your spine. I wish this was like that. To struggle with a tight feeling in my chest, a sinking feeling in my stomach, waves of nausea flooding over me. Anxiety can sometimes creep up on me when I least expect it, causing me to panic and snap. Breathing gets harder and my hands will shake. The easiest tasks seem impossible and the only thing I feel capable of is curling up in bed. The thought of being around others fills me with horror and functioning normally becomes difficult.

Some days I know why I’m like this. It makes it a little easier and I can cope a little better. Other days it creeps up like a monster, filling me with feelings that seem impossible to shift, my world crumbling around me. Over the years I’ve found coping mechanisms and have an amazing support network especially having B and S in my life.

I struggle sometimes with my thoughts. It sounds wrong to want to deal with my problems via play but sometimes I get a feeling that it could help. The connection from play, the levels of care and attention, the way I often focus my breathing, leaving me trance-like. I find it hard as it seems so wrong and against logic but I will often crave this. One day I’m sure I will resolve these feelings in my mind.

September 3rd, 2011

Slumber

Lying in bed next to the woman I love, light streaming through the small part in the curtains. Watching her sleep, drinking in her beautiful curves, seeing the rise and fall in time with her breathing, the pulsing of life in her neck. Hair flowing across the pillow, milky skin peeking out from under the covers. I feel almost like an intruder, invading the space of a sleeping beauty. Wanting to hold her in my arms but not disturb her slumber. Wanting to kiss that smooth skin but not wake her from her dreams. And so I watch and watch over her.

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