Archive for June, 2011

June 26th, 2011

Frustration

Recently, I have become more and more frustrated with myself. I feel like a failure, on many levels. My body isn’t responding to the feelings it craves. Sensations feel different to what I expect and I’m finding it really hard to process this. I don’t seem to be able to find the release that I’m looking for and the level of frustration and the feeling of failure builds.

The flogging I craved, desired and almost begged for left me feeling weak, every lash feeling like it was cutting my skin instead of the thud I needed and expected. I could barely take it anywhere and felt like a fool.

The abuse I needed left me battered and bruised but my body denied me release, failed to work with my mind. I felt disconnected and hopeless, unable to cry, unable to enjoy the feelings I expected. I felt I was failing, no use for anyone.

My body craves and then won’t deliver. The great crescendo and then…nothing, flatness, another feeling of failure. I don’t even teeter on the edge, I just get there and fall straight back. No complete satisfaction, no release, no climax, just another failure. Sure, I get a level of pleasure from it but not that final big woohoo so something feels missing.

I know I’m being hard on myself, but I am so frustrated. I don’t know what’s actually wrong so it’s really hard to fix it. I just feel frustration and then have to try so hard not to blame others, or push them away for trying. My body is craving all these ways to try and provide release and I then have a level of expectation which I need to share. If only my body would respond fully…I’m starting to have a one track mind and that’s not helping me feel less of a failure.

June 22nd, 2011

Out of the closet

I’ve only just realised that I’ve managed to skip over a lot of what’s been going on right now in my life. Things have been very hectic, with lots of social engagements and fun to be had, stretching me to my limit as an introvert and, at times, leading my to anxiety. I’ve also found myself able to cope with the more stressful situations better than I could ever have imagined so it all balances out in the end.

I suppose what I should have written about the most was the story of my coming out, coming clean and getting it all out there in the world (well, at least to my immediate family). You may remember the letter I posted several months ago. At the time, I had no idea how I was going to tell my parents about S but I came to the comclusion that there would never be a right way, never a right time. The letter seemed like the least painful way; I got a chance to tell my side of things carefully and they got a chance to think it through before talking to me.

I set a date in my mind. The letter would be posted on the way back from my cousin’s wedding, knowing that I had Conference just after to busy myself with and plenty of my friends would be there if I needed that. What I wrote was almost exactly what I posted here. I gave my brother some warning (he really didn’t seem to be bothered), just in case and then sat back and waited, anxiety, nerves and worry taking its toll but I’d had that problem for weeks, playing the worst case senarios over and over in my mind like a bad film. The build up to sending the letter and the waiting really were the worst. I flew between relief that I was finally being honest and fear that I would lose my parents. I can’t even really begin to explain just what kept going through my head, but it was horrid.

It turned out to be all for nothing. My parents, mainly, have been great. We’ve not talked about it directly much (B had that conversation) but they’ve met S and I can talk about her freely. There’s still times when I feel weird explaining that I won’t be in as I’m staying over S or B’s busy with O but, it’s not so bad. It’s much easier than lying by ommision and I think my parents, whilst not approving, are ok because I am happy and no one is being hurt. To be honest, I think the think that has upset them the most is that they’ve realised how long I’ve been hiding my sexuality from them. It’s not even something I considered would be an issue either. I worried about their moral objections at having multiple partners, without even thinking that they might be bothered that one of them is female. But they are being great and reminding me (frequently) that I am loved still.

It’s still not sunk in. And I’m still finding people who do not know; those that have missed the fact or those I’m still too scared to tell. But I remind myself, those people important and close to me know the truth; they’re seeing the real me and that’s the most important thing in the world to me.

June 14th, 2011

Submission

There is a different state of mind when I play with her. I want to please her, make her proud of me. In that moment, I am hers completely. She has me in her control at that point, my trust in her immense. The thought of doing anything wrong, of doing anything to disappoint, to annoy, shames me. I want to be hers, for her to treat me as she feels fit, to use me as she pleases. The words of praise fill me with warmth, the ones of displeasure, upset me but make me strive to do better, to make her see how much I am doing for her. I do as she tells me, take what she gives me and try to please her. I am hers.

This is my submission. There is no kneeing at her feet, calling her mistress. I do not serve in the traditional sense. There is no collar, there is no contract, no formal set up. And yet I feel this way, a feeling I never expected to have.

I enjoy it, of course, but it’s different, in a way. In other settings, I find myself acting out more, fighting back, or safewording when it gets a little difficult. My state of mind will be entirely different, even though the levels of trust are there. What I experience is different. What I get out of it is different. It’s not even like this all the time but, when it is, I’m still a little surprised by who I become. I never thought I had this in me.


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